Gamemaker: In the cozy yet bustling village of South Taliashire, Pugface Doodleop, the gnomish tailor’s apprentice, awakes and finds herself filled with great excitement. (Pugface is heard stretching) Last night, at the local Brew Pub, she saw an aging elf named Eddie the Bard perform, just a really solid acoustic set. But Pugface is almost certain it was her musical idol, and former lead singer of the rock band, ElfMother: Edgar Hawke. Pugface: "Mm-hmmmm!" Gamemaker: What’s more is she saw him leave with her childhood friend and next door neighbor, Roscoe Chubb. Pugface, what do you do? Pugface: Uh, I’m gonna wake up, I’m gonna tussle my hair, put on my fanciest freaking outfit and I’m gonna strut next door to my BFF-Forever Roscoe Chubb. Pugface: (singing) "COULD EDGAR HAWKE REALLY BE CRASHING AT ROSCOE’S PAD? I GOT HIS POSTERS ALL OVER THIS ROOM, LEARNED EVERY SONG WITH MY DAD. OH NO, WILL HE LIKE ME? WILL HE THINK I’M ANY GOOD ON THE BASS? (sick bass riff) BUT WHEN I TELL EDGAR HAWKE THAT I KNOW THAT IT'S YOU CAN’T WAIT TO SEE THE LOOK ON HIS FACE IT AINT JUST ANOTHER TALIASHIRE MORNING MY GNOMISH SENSES TELL ME SOMETHINGS NEW. AN ADVENTURE TO UNFOLD. GO FORTH AND BE BOLD. BEYOND THAT DOOR SOMETHING’S WAITING FOR ME… SO LET’S SEE!" (The song abruptly stops) Pugface: So Pugface, uh, leaves the place… Gamemaker: You rush and head next door. (Song intro starts again) Meanwhile, Edgar Hawke, living in secrecy as “Eddie the Bard,” has just played his first gig in nearly a century. Ninety Nine years and Fifty weeks ago, at the Founder’s Day Centennial, a terrible performance as the lead singer of ElfMother cost him his career. But for the first time since that harrowing event, Edgar feels like a rock star. Edgar: (singing) OH GOODNESS ME, I’VE GOT THAT FEELING ONCE MORE. A LITTLE ROCK AND ROLL GOT INTO MY BONES, AND NOW I JUST WANT TO HEAR THE CROWD ROAR. OH GOODNESS ME, WHAT A JOKE, I’M WELL PAST MY PRIME. STILL I’VE WOKE UP WITH THIS DREAD FOR THE PAST HUNDRED YEARS, AND SOMETHING FEELS DIFFERENT THIS TIME. IT’S NOT JUST ANOTHER TALIASHIRE MORNING. THERE’S AN OLD PART OF ME THAT I’VE RECLAIMED. IT’LL NEVER BE THE SAME, GONE IS THE FORTUNE AND FAME. BUT SOMETHING NEW IS WAITING FOR ME… WILL IT BE…?! (FX: Knocking at the front door. Songs stops abruptly) GameMaker: As he wakes up, he hears an eager rapping on the front door. Edgar, what do you do? Edgar: “Hello?” Pugface: “Roscoe? Roscoe bud, open up!” Edgar: “Roscoe, one of your little friends is here.” (Song intro starts) Gamemaker: The voice of Edgar carries into the bedroom of Roscoe Chubb the halfling drummer, who had a major victory last night getting his new flatmate Eddie out of the house for the first time since he moved in nearly a month ago. (A heavy sigh from Steve/Roscoe) While Eddie played a great set, Roscoe got into an altercation with a tall, obnoxious halfling from North Taliashire named Pascoe Slim. (Lillian giggles) As such, Roscoe had a rather fitful sleep. Roscoe: (singing) “DON’T WANNA WAKE UP JUST YET, STILL LIVING IN A DREAM. HERE COMES JUST ANOTHER DAY. THE SAME OLD ROUTINE. BUT IN THIS DREAM I’M A DRUMMER PLAYING FOR THE ELVEN GODS. AND THEY LOSE THEIR SHIT, AGAINST ALL ODDS AND SAY… ‘THIS AIN'T JUST ANOTHER TALIASHIRE MORNING! GREAT ADVENTURE AWAITS; SO GET UP. A STORY TO BE TOLD, SINCE YOUR LIFE IS GETTING OLD. THE WINE OF LIFE WILL RUNNETH OVER YOUR CUP.’ COME ON ROSCOE, WAKE UP!” Gamemaker: Meanwhile, young Jocasta Stormwood- the half-bear half-woman from the forest- finds herself in the middle of an excruciating conversation. Last night, her mother Minerva suggested Jo take charge of the monthly herb deliveries to the people of South Taliashire. Since this is Jocasta’s first time away from home, she is overpacked for her day trip and underprepared for social interactions. As an old dwarf named Schneider drones on about his back pain, all Jocasta can think is that there’s only one more house to go! Schneider: “The more chronic pain didn’t really start until the last couple of years. I spend a lot of time sorta hunched over for my job, so I guess it really chalks up to a workplace hazard…” Jocasta: “I-I-I understand. Well…” Schneider: “Yeah.” Jocasta: “...the, the herb I’ve left you with and that you have paid for…” Schneider: “Yes.” Jocasta: “...and that we have transacted should, should, do the trick to make that go away.” Schneider: “I hope so, I hope so, Jo.” Jocasta: “Yea, yea, yea, I--I believe it will, now I really, REALLY gotta go.” Schneider: “Oh, oh ok, I’ll let you ru--I’ve actually got a lot ta get around to myself, so uh, yeah you got--” Gamemaker: As you close the door behind you, a wave of relief rushes over you knowing you are near the last stop on your delivery route: the home of Roscoe Chubb. Jocasta: Jocasta’s feeling really proud of herself. Jocasta (singing): I CAN’T BELIEVE I DID THE WHOLE HERB RUN BY MYSELF! I’M FEELING FINE GOT A BOUNCE IN MY STEP. BRINGING MY MAMA HOME THE WEALTH. I GOTTA FEELING LIFE WILL ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS. NOTHING ON EARTH COULD EVER THREATEN THIS ETERNAL HERBAL BLISS, OH… IT’S JUST ANOTHER TALIASHIRE MORNING I’LL GET MR. CHUBB HIS HERB AND BE ON MY WAY. GOT MY MAMA WAITIN’ BACK FOR ME IN STORMWOOD. MY MAGICAL FOREST, HOME WHERE THE ANIMALS PLAY. THIS IS JUST GREAT! IT’S ANOTHER TALIASHIRE MORNING! Roscoe, Pugface & Edgar: IT AIN’T JUST ANOTHER TALIASHIRE MORNING! Jocasta: AND ALL I WANT IS TO CHILL AND SHARE A JAY Edgar: (Overlapping): TO ROCK AGAIN SOMEDAY Roscoe: (Overlapping): TO FIND MY DESTINAY! Pugface: (Overlapping): TO SLAY! All Four: THE DIE ARE CAST AND ROLLED. OUR FUTURES TO BEHOLD. BUT WHO COULD GUESS TILL WE MEET OUR DESTINY? SO WAIT AND SEE! (end of song)

The Piper: (singing) "OH, MY FRIENDS, DO YOU SEE THIS ROAD STRETCHED HERE BEFORE YOU? NO, PLEASE, THAT WAS JUST A RHETORICAL QUESTION BUT I FEAR THERE IS MUCH HERE THAT HASN’T BEEN MENTIONED DO YOU KNOW THE DANGERS THAT LURK AND AWAIT YOU? MONSTERS AND THIEVES, MURDEROUS ENEMIES BUT REMEMBER MY FRIENDS THE BEST REMEDY IS SONG. LIFE’S MUCH EASIER WITH A SONG JUST COME AND SING ALONG IF EVER A STRANGER PRESENTS YOU WITH DANGER REMEMBER THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH A SONG! OH, MY FRIENDS, YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF LOCKED IN A DUNGEON AND A GUARD TO GET BY, YOU COULD REACH FOR HIS TRUNCHEON AND BE GONE IN A FLASH FOR HIS BRAINS YOU WOULD BLUDGEON THERE’S A MUCH BETTER WAY TO SET YOURSELVES FREE. A STEALTHY INVOCATION THAT IS FAR MORE DISCRETE A BLOODLESS ONE THAT LEAVES NO TRAIL TAKE IT FROM ME. IT’S A SONG! LIFE’S MUCH EASIER WITH A SONG JUST COME AND SING ALONG IF YOU FIND THAT ONE DAY THERE’S SOMEONE IN YOUR WAY THE BEST WAY TO GET THEM GONE... DO YOU WANT TO MOVE PEOPLE AND INFLUENCE FRIENDS? THEN TAKE IT FROM ME, I’VE GOT THE MEANS TO YOUR ENDS. YAH!" (Flute Solo) "OH, MY FRIENDS YOU MAY BE IN THE COURT OF A KING, WITH COURTIERS FAWNING AND KISSING HIS RING. AND NO WAY TO BE HEARD, EXCEPT FOR ONE THING. IT’S A LITTLE SOMETHING I’VE ALREADY MENTIONED... A LYRICAL WAY TO CUT THROUGH THE TENSION AND AT ONCE GRAB COURT’S UNDIVIDED ATTENTION: IT’S A SONG! LIFE’S MUCH EASIER WITH A SONG JUST COME AND SING ALONG IF YOU’RE EVER EMBROILED WITH SOMEONE WHO’S ROYAL; IF YOU’RE CAUGHT IN A PICKLE MY FRIEND YOU CAN’T BE FICKLE; IF YOU’RE STUCK IN A PINCH IT’S ALL JUST A CINCH; JUST GET WHAT YOU WANT... IN SONG!" Gamemaker: Suddenly! An arrow flies through The Piper’s face! (SFX) And he falls down dead at your feet! Players: "Ahhhh!" Jocasta: "They REALLY didn’t like that song!"

Pugface: (singing) WHEN I WAS YOUNG MY DADDY TO ME SAID LISTEN WITH THOSE POINTY EARS ON YOUR HEAD THERE’S NOTHING IN THIS LIFE YOU’LL EVER NEED THAT WON’T BE LAID AT YOUR FEET MY SON SAY THE WORD AND IT IS DONE THE LIKES US WEREN’T BORN TO BLEED Add Jocasta: BUT I COULD ONLY SIT STILL FOR SO LONG Add Roscoe: STAYIN’ QUIET WITH A SILVER SPOON IN MY MOUTH Pugface: NO DADDY I AIN’T COMIN HOME NO MORE GONE ON THE WIND, OUTBOUND AND HEADED… All Three: SOUTH! Pugface: CAUSE I… All Three: BABY, I WAS BORN TO BLEED Pugface: A ROLLING STONE NEVER COMING HOME BUT FAR FROM FREE. A SHOOTING COMET CAUGHT UP IN THE STARS BUT ICE ON FIRE WON’T GET YOU VERY FAR ‘CAUSE I… All Three: I WAS BORN TO BLEED Pugface: SO MANY YEARS OUT ON THE LAM WITH NO TIME TO THINK ABOUT WHO I AM. NO NORTH STAR, NO GUIDING CREED. YOU WAKE UP ONE DAY TO FIND YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT IN THIS LIFE. AEAEAHH, YOU’RE GONNA BLEED! AND I COULD ONLY RUN FOR Add Jocasta: SO LONG Add Roscoe: BEFORE MY FEET GAVE OUT FROM UNDER ME Pugface: OH DADDY WHAT'S THE POINT IN EVEN TRYING? WHEN FREEDOM WILL NEVER REALLY BE All Three: FREE Pugface: CAUSE I… All Three: BABY, I WAS BORN TO BLEED Pugface: A ROLLING STONE NEVER COMING HOME BUT FAR FROM FREE. A SHOOTING COMET CAUGHT UP IN THE STARS BUT ICE ON FIRE WON’T GET YOU VERY FAR CAUSE I… All Three: I WAS BORN TO BLEED I WAS BORN TO BLEED BABY, I WAS BORN TO BLEED (song ends)

Edgar: (singing) PERHAPS NOT THE MOST... CONVINCING A DISGUISE BUT I MUST SAY, THE RULING CLASS, HAS THE WOOL OVER YOUR EYES THEY MAKE IT OUT TO BE SOME SORT OF NOBLE PEDIGREE BUT HERE’S THE THING, ANYONE CAN BE KING. HAD A LITTLE BRUSH WITH ROYALTY THAT DIDN’T TURN OUT GOOD. BUT SPEND A LITTLE TIME IN THE COURT, THERE’S ONE THING THAT’S UNDERSTOOD ANYONE THAT CAN SIT ON THEIR LAZY ASSESS IS GOOD ENOUGH TO RULE THAT MASSES, THAT’S THE THING, ANYONE CAN BE KING. Roscoe: “That’s what the king looks like? Edgar: “It’ll have to do for now, come on!” Jocasta: “Didn’t you just say Pugface is really good with like, costumes and disguises? Maybe she should try and do it?” Pugface:” I--” Roscoe: “We gotta get something better than this, we’re gonna be dead!” Edgar: “Alright do your worst, Pugface.” Pugface: (singing) A LITTLE BIT OF ROUGE CAN REALLY GO A LONG WAY. BRIGHTEN UP YOUR EYES, TURN THAT SMILE FROM A FROWN. A LITTLE FOUNDATION AND WHEN YOU ENTER THIS PLAY, PUFF OUT YOUR CHEST, STICK UP YOUR CHIN, ‘CAUSE LIGHT IS THE HEAD THAT WEARS THIS CROOOWN. Edgar: WALK AROUND AND SPEAK IN PLATITUDES WITH A SELF-IMPORTANT ATTITUDE YES, THAT’S THE THING! Both: ANYONE CAN BE KING. Gamemaker: Pugface, give it a shot, add proficiency to whatever you roll. Pugface: (with saddened shock) Oh fuck. Sorry, it’s a five. (Jake laughs) Gamemaker: Okay, she does her best, because Edgars shoddy workmanship was so rough to begin with, it’s kinda like polishing a turd right now. Pugface: “I’m just, I’m really nervous right now. I’m really sorry. I’m embarrassed” Roscoe: “It’s gonna be up to him to really sell this one, ya know what I mean?” Edgar: “Here we go, showtime!” All: (singing) WE DON’T NEED FANCY JEWELS AND RINGS, TO SHOW THE WORLD THAT WE GOT THAT SWING. SO HEAR US SING: ANYONE CAN BE KING! Edgar: YOU KNOW THERE’S REALLY NOTHING TO IT. Pugface: Oh shit, guys, I think I blew it. Edgar: WILL THIS WORK? WHO KNOWS, LET'S DO IT! All: WE KNOW ONE THING... ANYONE CAN BE KING! (song ends)

Private Volkar: Hey, Bear Woman? You Edennians and your rock music. So brutish and selfish. You people are so consumed with self that you worship it as a GOD!...” Private Volkar: (singing) “DO YOU HEAR THE SWEET TONES OF THESE NOTES STRUNG TOGETHER? NO VULGAR SONG OF EDENNIA, YOU CAN BE SURE. YOUR FALSE GOD OF SELF AND THE ROCK AND ROLL YOUR WORSHIP SHOWS YOU A NATION OF BRUTES, BASTARDS, AND BORES. DO YOU HEAR ALL THESE MELODIES HANGING ON THE BREEZE? HEAR OUR VOICES MELDING IN TUNE? THIS IS THE SOUND OF THE ELVEWOOD TREES, DAPPLED IN THE BRIGHT LIGHT OF THE MOON. FOLK MUSIC COULD MAKE THE GODS THEMSELVES SWOON. THIS IS THE MUSIC OF QAR’QATARA. ANCIENT AS THE SETTING SUN. LIKE OUR CULTURE RESOLUTE, BUT TO WATCH YOU TRY IS CUTE. (HA!) DON’T YOU KNOW ROCK N’ ROLL IS ALREADY DONE?” Jocasta: “Oh no! (singing) OH, PRETTY ELFY BABY, DO YOU THINK YOU GOT ALL THE SOLUTIONS? THEN WHY’S YOUR COUNTRY LIT UP BY A ROCK N’ ROLL REVOLUTION? ROCK ENCOMPASSES EVERY FEELIN’ THESE ELEC-TRIC NOTES ARE HEALIN’ AND WHEN I’M DONE ROCKIN’ YOU YOU LITTLE BOYS ARE GONNA BE SQUEALIN’.” Pugface: “Let me at ‘em! (singing) I GOT ONE QUESTION FOR YA, WON’T YA TELL ME NOW HOW DOES DISGRACE TASTE? IF YOU’RE NOT CAREFUL BOY, YOU’RE GONNA MAKE ME GET OUT MY BASS FACE. I HEAR YA TALKIN’ SMACK ON MY HOME, YOU GONE AND PISSED OFF THIS GNOME. OH BOY, YOU BETTER HEAR ME JUST ONE TIME BEFORE I GO LAY WASTE.” Pugface & Jocasta: “THIS IS THE MUSIC OF EDENNIA THE VERY THING YOUR WEARY SOULS NEED.” Jocasta: “BRINGING FREEDOM AND FUN,” Pugface: “BUT OUR WORK HAS JUST BEGUN.” Pugface and Jocasta: “COME ON LET YOUR HAIR DOWN AND ROCK WITH ME…” Volkar: “Never! Let’s settle this the old-fashioned way...Yodel-Off!” [Volkar Yodels] [Jocasta Yodels] [Volkar Yodels] [Jocasta & Pugface Yodel] [All Three Yodel] Volkar: “Oh, I concede! You win!” Pugface & Jocasta: “THIS IS THE MUSIC OF EDENNIA, Private Volkar: “I DON’T CARE WHERE IT’S FROM…” Pugface & Jocasta: COME TO TAKE THE ELVES BY STORM!” Private Volkar: “I KNOW WE WILL NEVER SUCCUMB!” Pugface: “WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL?” Jocasta: “Y’ALL REALLY NEED TO CHILL.” Pugface & Jocasta: “JUST TAKE A DRAG OF THIS AND HAVE SOME FUN!” Private Volkar: “YOU THINK YOU CAME TAME ME WITH YOUR DRUGS AND GOOD CHEER, BUT YOU SHALL NOW HEAR A MELODY THAT YOU CAN NEVER UNHEAR!” (the epic music slows to a stop) Private Volkar: “Private Kunstler, folk these punks up!” Private Kunstler: (singing, a new melody, a cappella) THE WORLD WAS ONCE A HAVEN SAFE OF FEAR AND GREED AND STRIFE THAT IS UNTIL THE HUMANS CAME AND BOWED TO HATE AND VICE WHEN ALL SEEMED LOST THE HUMANS FOUND THEY’D PUSHED TRUST FAR AWAY THE DRAGONS CAME THE MEN WERE SLAIN AND PEACE THEN CAME TO STAY

Jocasta: (singing) THE ELVES ONCE HAD A HAVEN SAFE FROM FEAR AND GREED AND STRIFE. IN SONG THEY FOUND THEIR COMFORT; SAW THE MEANING OF LIFE. NOTHING COULD MATCH THAT SWEET FOLK MUSIC. Add Pugface: HEAR THE HARMONY Add Roscoe: RINGIN’ IN THE AIR. Jocasta: BUT SOON THE CHILDREN OF THIS LAND HEARD A SOUND FROM FAR AWAY. AND THERE WAS NOTHING THEY COULD DO ROCK WAS HERE TO STAY. WITH EVERYBODY CHOOSIN SIDES. Add Pugface: AND NO ONE TO HEAL THAT DIVIDE. All: HEY WE ARE THE FOLK OF ROCK AND WE’VE COME TO ROCK YOU FOLK. YOU JUST TAKE A LITTLE TOKE AND YOU ADD A LITTLE FOLK AND THAT VOLUME KNOB, YOU GIVE IT A POKE. IF YOU LET IT TAKE YOU OVER YOU BOUND TO SOON DISCOVER THAT THERE’S ONE THING LEFT TO DO: TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF THIS AND A LITTLE BIT OF THAT AND SOON, YOU’VE GOT SOMETHING NEW. Pugface: NOW IN THIS RHYTHM THERE ISN’T TIME FOR ANIMOSITY; LET’S EXCHANGE SOME FOLK FOR ROCK IN RECIPROCITY. EVERYBODIES GOTTA GET TOGETHER Add Jocasta: LOVIN’, LETTIN’ MUSIC LEAD THE WAY. THE WAY. All: OO, YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH HEY WE ARE THE FOLK OF ROCK AND WE’VE COME TO ROCK YOU FOLK. YOU JUST TAKE A LITTLE TOKE AND YOU ADD A LITTLE FOLK AND THAT VOLUME KNOB YOU GIVE IT A POKE. IF YOU LET IT TAKE YOU OVER YOU’RE BOUND TO SOON DISCOVER THAT THERE’S ONE THING LEFT TO DO: TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF THIS AND A LITTLE BIT OF THAT AND SOON, YOU’VE GOT SOMETHING NEW. (Jocasta Harmonica solo) (Instruments cut out, just claps and vocals) HEY WE ARE THE FOLK OF ROCK AND WE’VE COME TO ROCK YOU FOLK. YOU JUST TAKE A LITTLE TOKE AND YOU ADD A LITTLE FOLK AND THAT VOLUME KNOB YOU GIVE IT A POKE. IF YOU LET IT TAKE YOU OVER YOU’RE BOUND TO SOON DISCOVER THAT THERE’S ONE THING LEFT TO DO: (music comes back in) TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF THIS AND A LITTLE BIT OF THAT AND SOON, YOU’VE GOT SOMETHING NEW. (the song ends but the music continues)

Guards: (sung; choir-like): “PEACE HAS BEEN RESTORE-ED TO THE LAND!” Mustachioed Guard: “WELL WHO COULD BELIEVE IT? IT’S HARD TO CONCEIVE IT. WE NEVER THOUGHT THAT PEACE COULD BE RESTORED…” Guards: (“TO THE LAND”) Mustachioed Guard: “BUT NOW THAT I’VE SEEN THIS, I SAY- AND I MEAN THIS, I THANK YOU ALL FOR SEEING PEACE RESTORED…” Guards: (“TO THE LAND”) Mustachioed Guard: “WHEN WE SAW THE ROCK REBELS WE SAID ‘HERE COMES TREBLE’... WITH ALL THE CONFUSION, WE REACHED THIS CONCLUSION: OUR LIVES WERE AT STAKE SO WE BARRED UP THE GATE AND WE BURIED OUR HEADS IN THE SAND! BUT NOW A DAWN RISES AND TO OUR SURPRISES WE FIND THAT PEACE HAS FINALLY BEEN RESTORED…” Guards: (“TO THE LAND”) All: “OH, PEACE HAS BEEN RESTORED TO THE LAND! EDENNIAN HEROES, WE GIVE YOU HAND. WHEN THINGS HAD NOT GONE QUITE AS WE PLANNED, YOU WERE THERE TO TAKE A STAND! AND RATHER THAN ADD FUEL TO THE FIRE, OR MAKE THE SITUATION MORE DIRE, YOU CHOSE TO MAKE MUSIC, WHICH DID INSPIRE A CHANGE! AND PEACE IS RESTORED (TO THE LAND!)” Jocasta: “Um… Edgar? Do the guards here always… burst out into song when they’re grateful?” Edgar (Annoyed): “Yes, Jocasta… yes they do…” Sheriff Guttendel: “This is bloody brilliant! Can I have a try?” Guards: “Why not!?” Sheriff Guttendel: “Love it! (singing) WELL, WHEN I FIRST MET YOU YOU KNOW I COULD BET YOU COULD FIND A WAY TO SEE PEACE WAS RESTORED…” Guards: (“TO THE LAND”) Sheriff Guttendel: “WITH ROCK MUSIC FORBIDDEN, AND YOUR TALENTS HIDDEN, YOU MADE FOLK ROCK AND THEN PEACE WAS RESTORED…” Guards: (“TO THE LAND!”) All: “OH, PEACE HAS BEEN RESTORED TO THE LAND, AND BY A NEW EDENNIAN BAND! IF WE CARRIED ON WE SURELY GET CANNED, BUT NOW WE’RE HERE TO STAY! SO NOW WE’LL GET YOU PREPPED FOR THE QUEEN! WE’LL DOLL YOU UP AND MAKE YOU LOOK CLEAN, (subito piano) AND IF SHE HAPPENS TO SAY SOMETHING MEAN, FUCK HER… (fortissimo) FOR PEACE IS RESTORED (TO THE LAND)!” Roscoe: “You know, Pugface, I’ve never actually been bathed by another person before. Or really bathed myself, for that matter!” Pugface: “Ya know, bud? I feel weird, for sure, but also… it’s kinda nice to be pampered!” Mustachioed Guard (out of tempo): “AND SO GOOD HEROES, ONCE YOU HAVE DRIED, I WILL ESCORT YOU, BEAMING WITH PRIDE. FOR NOW WE HAVE NO REASON TO HIDE…” All: “FOR PEACE HAS BEEN RESTORE-ED TO THE LAND! AND WE’RE SO GLAD THAT PEACE HAS BEEN RESTORED! (TO THE LAND)!” (song ends)

(Edgar adds a relaxed vocal bass line under the whole song) Roscoe: (singing) “ZODINDRA, IF YOU…” +Jocasta/Pugface: “...THINK YOU GOT IT IN YA,” Roscoe: “WOULD YOU PLEASE SHINE A LIGHT ON ME? CAN’T YOU SEE THAT WE’RE IN TROUBLE,” +Jocasta/Pugface: “AND SOON IT WILL BE DOUBLE, IF YOU DON’T HEAR MY SOLEMN PLEA?” Roscoe: “WHOA, ZODINDRA, I JUST NEED A LITTLE FAVOR. HUMANITIES IN TROUBLE, AND I REALLY WANNA SAVE ‘ER. SO, ZODINDRA WON’T YOU COME ON DOWN?” +Jocasta/Pugface: “CAUSE YOU’RE THE ONLY HOPE AROUND… WHOA…” Roscoe: “ZODINDRA, IF YOU…” +Jocasta/Pugface: “...THINK YOU GOT IT IN YA,” Roscoe: “COULD YOU PLEASE COME DOWN AND TAKE OUR CARES AWAY? OH, GOD OF ALL, I KNOW WE’RE…” +Jocasta/Pugface: “...MORTAL AND SMALL, BUT YOU KNOW WE’RE IN A BAD, BAD WAY. HEY!” Roscoe: “ZODINDRA, I WOULDN’T ASK IF I THOUGHT WE WERE EQUAL TO THE TASK. I KNOW THAT WHAT WE’RE ASKING MIGHT SOUND ODD, BUT THIS IS REALLY A JOB FIT MORE FOR THE GODS! SO, ZODINDRA, IF YOU…” +Jocasta/Pugface: “THINK YOU GOT IT IN YA,” Roscoe: “WOULD YOU PLEASE COME DOWN AND SHINE YOUR LIGHT ON ME? OH, GOD OF ALL, I KNOW WE’RE…” +Edgar/Jocasta/Pugface: “MORTAL AND SMALL, BUT CAN’T YOU SEE WE’RE IN A BAD, BAD WAY? SO WON’T YOU COME DOWN TODAY?” (song ends)

Major: “Attention, terrorists:” (gasps) Major Maynard Mayfield: “You stand accused of False Impersonation of His Majesty, Obstruction of Justice, and Incitement of the Apocalypse. You are to come with us immediately. Surrender yourselves now!” Roscoe (singing): “YOU AIN’T GONNA TAKE US ALIVE, THAT’S WHAT I SAID. I TOLD YOU ONCE, I WON’T TELL YOU NO MORE.” Jocasta: “YOU AIN’T GONNA TAKE US ALIVE, SOLIDER BOY. AND YOU DON’T WANNA START A WAR!” Major Maynard Mayfield: “SURRENDER NOW OR YOU WON’T SURVIVE. WE WANT TO TAKE YOU ALL ALIVE. BUT, I’M HERE TO TELL YOU YOUR LIFE OF CRIME, MEANS YOU’LL BE DOING TIME! THE END FOR YOU IS NEAR, SO LET ME BE CLEAR: YOU’RE GONNA HANG, MY DEARS.” Edgar: “Everyone, cover your ears?” Pugface: “Ok.” Roscoe: Okay, we do so. Jocasta: Jocasta grabs her little bear ears. Edgar: “I’m sorry about this everyone.” And Edgar turns the Thunderlute ALL the way up. You see that it’s like, 1 thru 10 and then it just has like this mystical looking “T” on the dial there. And he says, “Do you boys like Rock and Roll?” Gamemaker: And they just stare at you with their bows trained still. Edgar: “I’ll take that as a yes!” And I—I’d like to Thunderlute them. Gamemaker: Gimme—gimme a roll for your… Edgar: 17? Gamemaker: So as Edgar plays this chord yellow light pours forth and you see about half of the soldiers just evaporate into nothingness. (BOOM) Gamemaker: ...and crumble into burnt skeletons. Edgar: “Ha ha ha ha!” Pugface: “What the fuck?” Roscoe: “What are you doing?” Gamemaker: The other remaining soldiers proceed to fire their arrows and a sea of arrows rains down upon you. Pugface… Pugface: Yeah? Gamemaker: Five arrows come your way. And… Edgar: Shit, oh shit… Gamemaker …one of them hits you. Pugface: “Ah!” Gamemaker: Take five damage, and give me a constitution saving throw. Pugface: Eighteen. Gamemaker: You feel, like, a little woozy but you’re still standing. Pugface: (singing) “OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE WE DONE? THIS COULD BE THE END. THINK I’M GONNA CRY! I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE. WILL I EVER GET HOME AGAIN? OH, NO!” Gamemaker: Jocasta two arrows are gonna sink into you as well. Take ten damage and give me two constitution saving throws. Jocasta: Okay the first one is a nineteen… the second one-- Oh no… is a four? Gamemaker: You feel a little dizzy after the first one and upon the second hit you fall unconscious. Jocasta: (singing) “IS ANYONE ELSE HERE FEELING SLEEPY?” Gamemaker: Edgar, oh my god. Three of the arrows hit Edgar. Edgar: Shit! (he starts giggling) Gamemaker: Take fifteen damage and give me three constitution saving throws. Edgar: A seven…? Gamemaker: Uh, Edgar, upon the first arrow that hits you, you fall immediately unconscious. Edgar: “Uhhh—I’m sorry everybody…” Gamemaker: And two arrows hit Herman the Monk. Pugface: Oh, no. Gamemaker: (laughing) Who miraculously rolls two nat-twenties and stays standing and goes… Herman: (a rock wail) “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH—OOOOOHHHHH…. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!” Gamemaker: And it is now Roscoe’s turn. Roscoe: Okay the first thing I’d like to do…he starts getting crazy, start bangin’ my chest. (singing) “WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN I COME FOR YOU? YOU MIGHT TAKE DOWN MY FRIENDS, BUT PUG AND I AIN’T THROUGH. YOU PISSED ME OFF, SO WHAT I’M GONNA DO IS TURN YOU BLACK AND BLUE!” Major Maynard Mayfield: “I’d like to see you try.” Roscoe: “Well, then come ‘ere, my guy!” Major Maynard Mayfield: “I’m gonna make you cry.“ Roscoe: (singing) “YOU ALL ARE GONNA DIE!” Roscoe: “Whaddaya gonna do now?” And I’m gonna run straight at all fifty of ‘em. Gamemaker: Pugface what do you do? Pugface: I have my short bow, there’s so many of them I’m just fucking shooting. Gamemaker: Great Pugface: Kay--14 and a uh, 18 Gamemaker: You fire two arrows they sink into two of the soldiers they drop dead off their steeds. Another sea of arrows rains down upon you. Pugface: “Ahh…” Gamemaker: Pugface, two of the arrows are gonna hit you again. Take another ten damage and give me and give me an additional two… Pugface: Damn! Gamemaker: …constitution saving throws. Pugface: I got a three and a seven Gamemaker: Yeah, when the first arrow hits you, you too fall unconscious. Pugface: (singing) “NOOOOOOO!” Gamemaker: And Roscoe, three of them are going to hit you, you can deflect one but take an additional ten damage and roll me two more constitution saving throws. Roscoe: 15... Gamemaker: Roscoe you fall unconscious. Roscoe: “Tuttorosso…” Gamemaker: You all black out. Major Maynard Mayfield: “YOU FOOLS, YOU COULDN’T BE DETERRED. WOULDN’T TAKE ME AT MY WORD. BUT YOUR IMPUDENCE WILL BE CURED. AND JUSTICE WILL BE SERVED.”