Major:
“Attention, terrorists:”

(gasps)

Major Maynard Mayfield:
“You stand accused of False Impersonation of His Majesty, Obstruction of Justice, and Incitement of the Apocalypse. You are to come with us immediately. Surrender yourselves now!”

Roscoe (singing):
“YOU AIN’T GONNA TAKE US ALIVE, THAT’S WHAT I SAID.
I TOLD YOU ONCE, I WON’T TELL YOU NO MORE.”

Jocasta:
“YOU AIN’T GONNA TAKE US ALIVE, SOLIDER BOY.
AND YOU DON’T WANNA START A WAR!”

Major Maynard Mayfield:
“SURRENDER NOW OR YOU WON’T SURVIVE.
WE WANT TO TAKE YOU ALL ALIVE.
BUT, I’M HERE TO TELL YOU YOUR LIFE OF CRIME,
MEANS YOU’LL BE DOING TIME!

THE END FOR YOU IS NEAR,
SO LET ME BE CLEAR:
YOU’RE GONNA HANG, MY DEARS.”

Edgar:
“Everyone, cover your ears?”

Pugface:
“Ok.”

Roscoe:
Okay, we do so.

Jocasta:
Jocasta grabs her little bear ears.

Edgar:
“I’m sorry about this everyone.” And Edgar turns the Thunderlute ALL the way up. You see that it’s like, 1 thru 10 and then it just has like this mystical looking “T” on the dial there. And he says, “Do you boys like Rock and Roll?”

Gamemaker:
And they just stare at you with their bows trained still.

Edgar:
“I’ll take that as a yes!” And I—I’d like to Thunderlute them.

Gamemaker:
Gimme—gimme a roll for your…

Edgar:
17?

Gamemaker:
So as Edgar plays this chord yellow light pours forth and you see about half of the soldiers just evaporate into nothingness.

(BOOM)

Gamemaker:
...and crumble into burnt skeletons.

Edgar:
“Ha ha ha ha!”

Pugface:
“What the fuck?”

Roscoe:
“What are you doing?”

Gamemaker:
The other remaining soldiers proceed to fire their arrows and a sea of arrows rains down upon you. Pugface…

Pugface:
Yeah?

Gamemaker:
Five arrows come your way. And…

Edgar:
Shit, oh shit…

Gamemaker
…one of them hits you.

Pugface:
“Ah!”

Gamemaker:
Take five damage, and give me a constitution saving throw.

Pugface:
Eighteen.

Gamemaker:
You feel, like, a little woozy but you’re still standing.


Pugface: (singing)
“OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE WE DONE?
THIS COULD BE THE END.
THINK I’M GONNA CRY!
I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE.
WILL I EVER GET HOME AGAIN?
OH, NO!”

Gamemaker:
Jocasta two arrows are gonna sink into you as well. Take ten damage and give me two constitution saving throws.

Jocasta:
Okay the first one is a nineteen… the second one-- Oh no… is a four?

Gamemaker:
You feel a little dizzy after the first one and upon the second hit you fall unconscious.


Jocasta: (singing)
“IS ANYONE ELSE HERE FEELING SLEEPY?”

Gamemaker:
Edgar, oh my god. Three of the arrows hit Edgar.

Edgar:
Shit! (he starts giggling)

Gamemaker:
Take fifteen damage and give me three constitution saving throws.

Edgar:
A seven…?

Gamemaker:
Uh, Edgar, upon the first arrow that hits you, you fall immediately unconscious.

Edgar:
“Uhhh—I’m sorry everybody…”

Gamemaker:
And two arrows hit Herman the Monk.

Pugface:
Oh, no.

Gamemaker:
(laughing) Who miraculously rolls two nat-twenties and stays standing and goes…


Herman: (a rock wail)
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH—OOOOOHHHHH….
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”


Gamemaker:
And it is now Roscoe’s turn.

Roscoe:
Okay the first thing I’d like to do…he starts getting crazy, start bangin’ my chest.

(singing)
“WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN I COME FOR YOU?
YOU MIGHT TAKE DOWN MY FRIENDS, BUT PUG AND I AIN’T THROUGH.
YOU PISSED ME OFF, SO WHAT I’M GONNA DO
IS TURN YOU BLACK AND BLUE!”

Major Maynard Mayfield:
“I’d like to see you try.”

Roscoe:
“Well, then come ‘ere, my guy!”

Major Maynard Mayfield:
“I’m gonna make you cry.“


Roscoe: (singing)
“YOU ALL ARE GONNA DIE!”

Roscoe:
“Whaddaya gonna do now?” And I’m gonna run straight at all fifty of ‘em.

Gamemaker:
Pugface what do you do?

Pugface:
I have my short bow, there’s so many of them I’m just fucking shooting.

Gamemaker:
Great

Pugface:
Kay--14 and a uh, 18

Gamemaker:
You fire two arrows they sink into two of the soldiers they drop dead off their steeds. Another sea of arrows rains down upon you.

Pugface:
“Ahh…”

Gamemaker:
Pugface, two of the arrows are gonna hit you again. Take another ten damage and give me and give me an additional two…

Pugface:
Damn!

Gamemaker:
…constitution saving throws.

Pugface:
I got a three and a seven

Gamemaker:
Yeah, when the first arrow hits you, you too fall unconscious.

Pugface: (singing)
“NOOOOOOO!”

Gamemaker:
And Roscoe, three of them are going to hit you, you can deflect one but take an additional ten damage and roll me two more constitution saving throws.

Roscoe:
15...

Gamemaker:
Roscoe you fall unconscious.

Roscoe:
“Tuttorosso…”

Gamemaker:
You all black out.

Major Maynard Mayfield:
“YOU FOOLS, YOU COULDN’T BE DETERRED.
WOULDN’T TAKE ME AT MY WORD.
BUT YOUR IMPUDENCE WILL BE CURED.
AND JUSTICE WILL BE SERVED.”